Why You Shouldn't Let Friends Do Drugs
by Chachiri NoDa
Summary: Yamabuki fic involving drugs and weddings. Rated T for brain breaking potential and suggestions.


Pairing: Depending on how you read it. . . .Involves Dan, Akutsu, a tennis racket, Touji, and Sengoku. 

Warnings: Not Work Safe. . . Not Safe Anywhere to be honest. Not betaed.

Note: Inspired by the "Uses of Grip Tape" and by a comment there about how this couldn't be done. My apologies.

When consciousness slowly returned to the silver-haired Akutsu Jin, the first thing he noticed was the rather annoyingly cute sound of Dan making a little "da da dada" sound under his breath somewhere nearby. The second was a rather odd smell he recognized when he passed behind the club house. The third and very important thing he noticed was that, when he tried to stretch and roll away from the sound, his hands were secured behind him with what felt like grip tape.

Akutsu's eyes tore open and it was only due to his very flexible muscles that he was able to move into an upright position. He squirmed and glanced down to spot his feet, which were also bound with grip tape. And that is when his own grip on reality broke, because he noticed the pink frilly dress he was now wearing.

"Ah, Akutsu-sempai!" Dan shouted from nearby. Akutsu turned slowly, brain still trying to repair the damage dealt to it and spotted the boy nearby with his tennis racket. Dan was tying a black ribbon to resemble a bowtie just above the handle. Dan had draped a long purple ribbon around his shoulders.

Akutsu immediately started on a rather impressive and creative string of curse words, so Dan gagged him with another piece of grip tape and a pink ribbon that had originally served as the belt for the dress he was wearing.

"There we go desu!" Dan smiled once finished. "The bride simply can't talk like that during the ceremony. It would scandalize the audience." Dan pointed a small hand toward the corner of Akutsu's room where Akutsu saw red, figuratively and literally. The completely stoned (so that's where the smell was coming from) pair Sengoku Kiyosumi and Muromachi Touji were leaning next to each other with matching shit-eating grins.

"Oh, isn't the bride so pretty! Lucky groom, ne?" Sengoku snickered, poking Touji in the ribs.

"The best one I've seen," Touji said seriously before collapsing against the vice-captain in what would be aptly called a "snicker-fit."

Akutsu sent both of them a look promising sweet and delicious death (for Akutsu, not for them) at his own two hands the moment they were free. The look was rather ineffective when Dan moved to tie a bonnet on top of Akutsu's head. Akutsu fought valiantly in his current position, but Dan was successful and pranced over to pick up a Bible and the racket.

"It's such a good day for a wedding desu!" Dan said, planting himself in front of Akutsu, but far enough away to be out of the range of Akutsu's attempt to kick him. "I'm sorry the dress is pink, but my mom would be mad if I took her real wedding dress."

Akutsu continued to curse behind his gag as Dan continued to talk. "Though I guess I could have put the racket in a doll dress, but he's definitely going to be the seme, ne? It wouldn't be right, desu."

Akutsu's eyes widened as both Sengoku and Touji sucked in air and busted into a fresh round of laughter. Akutsu started wiggling in earnest again, and it took the other three boys working together to bind Akutsu to the leg of his heavy desk chair.

"Okay," a panting Dan said, "Now to get on with the ceremony desu. Do one of you want to give away the bride?"

Dan took their snickering as a no and turned back to Akutsu swiftly, nearly falling over due to the lightheadedness he was getting from whatever it was Sengoku had given him earlier. Dan propped the racket up against the wall next to Akutsu and opened the Bible. "What do I do now, Sengoku-sempai?"

"You read a passage out loud," Sengoku said with an eager nod. "And then you have them exchange vows."

Dan nodded, then frowned, "But neither of them can talk. . . ."

Touji and Sengoku paused for a moment before scrambling closer to Akutsu and the racket. Touji snickered as he held the racket up. "I'll be the racket!"

Sengoku giggled this time and sat down in the chair Akutsu was secured to, "Guess that makes me the lady then."

Dan slowly read the first few lines of the Bible out loud, much to Sengoku and Touji's amusement, as Akutsu jerked uselessly against the tape and cursed their ancestry. Sengoku waved Dan quiet and immediately started speaking the vows to Touji.

"Do you, Mr. Head," Sengoku snickered like crazy before continuing reading off the side of the racket, attempting a rather good impersonation of Akutsu's voice, "IS18 chipsystem, take I, Akutsu Jin, to be your lawful wedded wife, to love and molest, and other stuff, for as long as we both shall live?"

Touji took a few minutes to calm down before answering. "I do. And do you, Ms. Akutsu Jin, take I, Mr. Head 18IS (pause for snickering), to be your lawful wedded husband, to love and molest, and that other stuff, for as long as we both shall live?"

Sengoku nodded solemnly, "I do."

Dan flailed his arms in happiness. "Then I pronounce you man and wife! You may now penetrate the bride desu!"

Akutsu screamed through his gag and Sengoku and Touji sprung up and turn over the chair, hiking up Akutsu's skirt, and exposing Akutsu's naked rear. Dan handed Touji a tube of lube he produced from the pocket of his shorts.

Sucking in a breath, Minami Kentarou backed away from the bedroom door and quietly made his way down the stairs before breaking out into a run as he headed for the house of his fellow Jimi. Some days it was just better to stay with someone who matched your own insanity level.


End file.
